Being a woman

Being a woman... what does that mean? 

I have not figured that one out yet, because there are so many misconceptions of what a woman should be nowadays. Misconceptions that were brought up by men. Men who do not have the tools to prove to us that they know better what it is like being a woman. The real question I think we should all be asking is what does it mean to be a man, but we are not ready for that conversation yet. So I guess we will just have to dissect what it means to be a woman. 

For many years, growing up I was told that I should aspire to marriage and all things that make a woman attractive, but as I grew older, I realised that all of these things that I was taught to aspire to, were all outdated and misogynistic at best. Looking back, all the teachings were bascially to benefit the 'Man', never the Woman. It is safe to say that I have grown to hate this idea of womanhood that was created by misogynistic and patriatrical opinions. 

Being a woman, in South Africa specifically, is having to watch over your shoulder every 5 seconds, because you never know who is watching your every move and is calculating your every move too. Being a woman in South Africa is having to constantly share your live location when getting into an Uber on your way home, because you never know what Mr Uber driver could be thinking at that moment. Being a woman in South Africa is having to be vigilant on who is in the post office and at what times the Female staffers would be in, so that you reduce your chances of being raped and beaten to death in the postal service building. Being a woman in South Africa is contemplating whether or not police will protect you in a time of need or would they be the ones to rape you instead... Being a woman in South Africa is being stabbed and hanged on a tree, while you are 8 months pregnant, by your supposed boyfriend. 

Being a BLACK WOMAN in South Africa is having to live in constant fear of what could happen to you because of the colour of your skin and your gender. I will not even touch on the fact that being a black queer woman in South Africa, is a nightmare on its own. You are not only disliked by the men but you are disliked by some women too, so I have heard from my freinds. 

Being a woman is having to live by the standards that were created by a society that is dominated by men. A society that does not have our best interests at heart. A society that thinks that they can make final decisions on the bodies of women and what is allowed and not allowed of them. We have sunk so low as a society, that women are only given just enough autonomy that is capable of being tucked and pulled on by men to control. 

These are just small explanations of what I think it means to be a woman... There is so much that I could add onto the list but then that would mean I have to write down lifetimes worth of information and facts on here and risk dying while typing. When you read this, I would hope that you get an idea of how hard it is to live amongst the other gender. I would hope that you get an idea of what your sisters/ mothers/ grandmothers/ aunts/ nieces/ girlfriends/ best friends/ daughters are going through  E V E R Y   D A Y.  



And since it is your world, men, I will leave you to answer what it means to be a WOMAN...

There is so much in me that is saying give up and as much as I have that dreary voice saying that, I have a little bit of a hopeful voice screaming at me to carry on. A voice that I can never seem to fully shut out. I do not know whether this is a form of depression, but I will not dwell on that state because I do not want to use that as a form of describing my downs seeing as it is an important factor in our society. One that is not yet fully grasped by everyone, especially our parents, because it was not taught to them the understanding of the illness itself. Not to digress from the fact that they did not give themselves a chance to learn about the illness itself. However, I do realise that it also our generation’s greatest battle; that of having to explain the importance of knowing that such an illness is amongst us and that of understanding that we are the generation that is most affected by it. We are the generation that suffers most from this shameless illness. An illness that comes with a lot of baggage – being anxiety, bipolar as well as PTSD.

I will not lie and say that I do not have any of those illnesses, because as I am typing this out, I am typing it out with a heavy heart. A heart full of sadness and shame towards myself. A heart that wants to just be filled with love to share amongst the world but only limited to feeling the way that it feels right now. A heart that will not openly admit to needing help, because it has so much pride and honour. A heart that wants to just give up and let go of everything that it is holding onto. A heart that wants to just cut every bit of string that keeps it from falling and shattering into pieces. Pieces that will most certainly hurt those around me the most. Pieces that will be used to hurt those that have been wanting to hurt themselves. Pieces that no one will ever want to glue together and piece them to the perfection that they were before. Why? Why not. Why not just leave the pieces like that? Why not just let things that do not want to be fixed, damaged and imperfect as they are? Why not let go of what needs to be let go? Why not give up on what does not need saving? Why? Why? Why?

All of these are questions that linger in our minds daily, I can attest to that because I think about them all the time. The kind of questions that need to be asked but can never be fully answered to the depth we want them to be in. But I guess that’s how life works. you end up being in a constant swirl of missing pieces of your life and you must find a way to work through that or work with that. A whole, a darkness of nothingness and not knowing anything because something is always missing or will always stay missing. The feeling of never being good enough or never fully reaching your potential. It’s a puzzle. An infinite number of puzzle pieces, that we will keep trying to piece together until the day of death. We just hope that one day we can be happy with what we have managed to piece together and make of the puzzle.

The year 2018

It is the year 2018, it has been a whole month since this year started. How it went down is amazing, it is still a high from the very high highs and low lows of 2017. We all made it, although we lost some people along the way, we all manageed to gain amazing people throughout it all. There have been some trials and tribulations, mixed with a turmoil of many emotions. All I am hoping for everyone and myself included, is peace, love, positivity, patience, forgiveness, good health, wealth and goals achieved. This is the year of becoming. This is the year where we unite altogether and make the most of it. The year People of Colour shine their goodness abright. Where we are all appreciated. 

This is Our Year! 

Anxiety 

- a completely sick and atrocious thing that everyone is getting nowadays. In this day and age, we are exposed to things that are far more colossal than us.Things that are out of our control, things that force us to become people we do not wish to aspire to be but people we need to be, we all have this misconception that if we do things a certain way, we will not end up like Thulani over there, who is the guy that sticks out like a sore thumb because he is a walking collection of a mess. If we start talking less, we become noticed or we become mysterious but really we are just plain, simple and predictable as the next person that pretends to be who they are not. 

What happened to us? Everything that we could imagine happened. We started losing our family, friends and sadly, ourselves. Huge parts of ourselves were lost within the chaos that we call 'living'. Each and every person that we met and carry on meeting, took and continue to take little parts of our beings, with them. Every day, we lose a little bit of ourselves. I guess that is why we change, because what do you do when all you have left is a tiny cell of yourself? 

Consider yourself blessed....

Consider yourself blessed if you have felt the love of your father throughout your life. The love of a man that is supposed to teach you how to be loved. The love of a man who is to stand by you no matter what. Your first ever experience of loving and feeling love from someone.

Consider yourself blessed to have experienced a love so deep that everything around you seems to not matter anymore. A love that conquers all, a love that shines brightly even through the darkest night. A love that makes dying seem peaceful and living forever without it seem impossible. A love that makes you question how a world without it could be.

Consider yourself blessed to have received that kind of love from your father. Consider yourself completely and infinitely loved.

I may have figured it out

i may have figured it out...

i realised that i have never really had strong feelings for him, i have only liked the idea of liking him. ever since our last encounter together, things just seemed forced and as if we were trying too hard but today after what he had said, i realised that other people would have been hurt by that but for some reason i felt a weight off my shoulder.

as if my wipers had finally cleared my vision, i saw the truth. i saw that i liked the idea of having to call him mine, just the idea. never really wanted him to be mine because what was i gonna do with him then? do things change or stay the same then?

but now things are more clear for me, i did not lose him - he was never mine to keep anyway - i just lost track of the idea and that is perfectly fine. i am just glad that i have figured it out.

Maybe that's just my problem right?

I think that's my problem. I easily become interested in the feeble things... Because I always remember the little things people do for me.

Maybe that's my problem. I don't know if it's because I trust easily or if I see potential in everyone. I am scared though. I am scared of investing my time in something that might not even go anywhere. The way I see it is, the longer you stay in that position of being enlightened by something that is not even certain, the harder it becomes for you to pull out because you are in way too deep. You become attached, you start questioning how your life would be without them and you see all the "bad" scenarios if it ever had to happen... But nobody told you it would be that way. The reason why you start looking at things that way, is because you have not given yourself a chance to branch out and by that I mean be your true self. You have not given yourself a chance to become who you are meant to be and right now that is where I am stuck. I am on my way to finding myself and figuring some stuff out that I do not know how to feel when something like this happens.

I become hot/cold and that is not what I entirely want. I want to be certain. I want to be sure of what I am getting myself into.

I do not like uncertainty but that does not mean I do not like spontaneity. I am all for that. It's just that sometimes you do not want to get hurt and trust me when I say I have been hurt one too many times. I've probably become accustomed to it now. I expect it anytime sooner or later.

Or maybe I am expecting permanent feelings from people who only want temporary things. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe just maybe, I should stop searching for permanent things in temporary situations. But sometimes the temporary situations give us what the permanent might not even offer. Maybe I want that suffering or maybe I don't.