There is so much in me that is saying give up and as much as I have that dreary voice saying that, I have a little bit of a hopeful voice screaming at me to carry on. A voice that I can never seem to fully shut out. I do not know whether this is a form of depression, but I will not dwell on that state because I do not want to use that as a form of describing my downs seeing as it is an important factor in our society. One that is not yet fully grasped by everyone, especially our parents, because it was not taught to them the understanding of the illness itself. Not to digress from the fact that they did not give themselves a chance to learn about the illness itself. However, I do realise that it also our generation’s greatest battle; that of having to explain the importance of knowing that such an illness is amongst us and that of understanding that we are the generation that is most affected by it. We are the generation that suffers most from this shameless illness. An illness that comes with a lot of baggage – being anxiety, bipolar as well as PTSD.

I will not lie and say that I do not have any of those illnesses, because as I am typing this out, I am typing it out with a heavy heart. A heart full of sadness and shame towards myself. A heart that wants to just be filled with love to share amongst the world but only limited to feeling the way that it feels right now. A heart that will not openly admit to needing help, because it has so much pride and honour. A heart that wants to just give up and let go of everything that it is holding onto. A heart that wants to just cut every bit of string that keeps it from falling and shattering into pieces. Pieces that will most certainly hurt those around me the most. Pieces that will be used to hurt those that have been wanting to hurt themselves. Pieces that no one will ever want to glue together and piece them to the perfection that they were before. Why? Why not. Why not just leave the pieces like that? Why not just let things that do not want to be fixed, damaged and imperfect as they are? Why not let go of what needs to be let go? Why not give up on what does not need saving? Why? Why? Why?

All of these are questions that linger in our minds daily, I can attest to that because I think about them all the time. The kind of questions that need to be asked but can never be fully answered to the depth we want them to be in. But I guess that’s how life works. you end up being in a constant swirl of missing pieces of your life and you must find a way to work through that or work with that. A whole, a darkness of nothingness and not knowing anything because something is always missing or will always stay missing. The feeling of never being good enough or never fully reaching your potential. It’s a puzzle. An infinite number of puzzle pieces, that we will keep trying to piece together until the day of death. We just hope that one day we can be happy with what we have managed to piece together and make of the puzzle.

The year 2018

It is the year 2018, it has been a whole month since this year started. How it went down is amazing, it is still a high from the very high highs and low lows of 2017. We all made it, although we lost some people along the way, we all manageed to gain amazing people throughout it all. There have been some trials and tribulations, mixed with a turmoil of many emotions. All I am hoping for everyone and myself included, is peace, love, positivity, patience, forgiveness, good health, wealth and goals achieved. This is the year of becoming. This is the year where we unite altogether and make the most of it. The year People of Colour shine their goodness abright. Where we are all appreciated. 

This is Our Year! 

Anxiety 

- a completely sick and atrocious thing that everyone is getting nowadays. In this day and age, we are exposed to things that are far more colossal than us.Things that are out of our control, things that force us to become people we do not wish to aspire to be but people we need to be, we all have this misconception that if we do things a certain way, we will not end up like Thulani over there, who is the guy that sticks out like a sore thumb because he is a walking collection of a mess. If we start talking less, we become noticed or we become mysterious but really we are just plain, simple and predictable as the next person that pretends to be who they are not. 

What happened to us? Everything that we could imagine happened. We started losing our family, friends and sadly, ourselves. Huge parts of ourselves were lost within the chaos that we call 'living'. Each and every person that we met and carry on meeting, took and continue to take little parts of our beings, with them. Every day, we lose a little bit of ourselves. I guess that is why we change, because what do you do when all you have left is a tiny cell of yourself? 

Consider yourself blessed....

Consider yourself blessed if you have felt the love of your father throughout your life. The love of a man that is supposed to teach you how to be loved. The love of a man who is to stand by you no matter what. Your first ever experience of loving and feeling love from someone.

Consider yourself blessed to have experienced a love so deep that everything around you seems to not matter anymore. A love that conquers all, a love that shines brightly even through the darkest night. A love that makes dying seem peaceful and living forever without it seem impossible. A love that makes you question how a world without it could be.

Consider yourself blessed to have received that kind of love from your father. Consider yourself completely and infinitely loved.

I may have figured it out

i may have figured it out...

i realised that i have never really had strong feelings for him, i have only liked the idea of liking him. ever since our last encounter together, things just seemed forced and as if we were trying too hard but today after what he had said, i realised that other people would have been hurt by that but for some reason i felt a weight off my shoulder.

as if my wipers had finally cleared my vision, i saw the truth. i saw that i liked the idea of having to call him mine, just the idea. never really wanted him to be mine because what was i gonna do with him then? do things change or stay the same then?

but now things are more clear for me, i did not lose him - he was never mine to keep anyway - i just lost track of the idea and that is perfectly fine. i am just glad that i have figured it out.

Maybe that's just my problem right?

I think that's my problem. I easily become interested in the feeble things... Because I always remember the little things people do for me.

Maybe that's my problem. I don't know if it's because I trust easily or if I see potential in everyone. I am scared though. I am scared of investing my time in something that might not even go anywhere. The way I see it is, the longer you stay in that position of being enlightened by something that is not even certain, the harder it becomes for you to pull out because you are in way too deep. You become attached, you start questioning how your life would be without them and you see all the "bad" scenarios if it ever had to happen... But nobody told you it would be that way. The reason why you start looking at things that way, is because you have not given yourself a chance to branch out and by that I mean be your true self. You have not given yourself a chance to become who you are meant to be and right now that is where I am stuck. I am on my way to finding myself and figuring some stuff out that I do not know how to feel when something like this happens.

I become hot/cold and that is not what I entirely want. I want to be certain. I want to be sure of what I am getting myself into.

I do not like uncertainty but that does not mean I do not like spontaneity. I am all for that. It's just that sometimes you do not want to get hurt and trust me when I say I have been hurt one too many times. I've probably become accustomed to it now. I expect it anytime sooner or later.

Or maybe I am expecting permanent feelings from people who only want temporary things. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe just maybe, I should stop searching for permanent things in temporary situations. But sometimes the temporary situations give us what the permanent might not even offer. Maybe I want that suffering or maybe I don't.

Better things are coming.

So it has been three days since he was a dick to me. Honestly, I do not feel anything at the moment... Or maybe that is my problem? That I am not feeling anything. You know as a woman, when you put yourself out there and get that kind of treatment, you tend to close off or change... But that is the thing, I am still the same. I am happy and not bugged by the fact that he treated me that way during that moment.

It is as if I needed that and I am starting to think I did. It is helping me move on because now I am no longer holding on to broken promises or misconceptions of what it would have been like to have him in my life. I am grown now and I am free of one of my demons. The destruction of my happiness is no longer with me. I have the power to decide what I want to focus my happiness on and it is not broken promises or words, but it is actions.

I am a new woman without as much baggage as before. I am no longer held back by the past and what it gave me. It was nice while it lasted but good things have to end in order to get better things.